rock stars and conquistadors, more shocking true stories from the daily grind

Before the Cuban joint, there was the right-wing Christian bagel shop, a paradox that could only occur in the Florida panhandle. When I saw my boss's yellow jeep outside with the Bush stickers plastered all over the back, I knew I was in trouble. America really has become a country divided. The guy had an indisputable rule for everything, including the order for condiments – in case you are wondering, mustard always goes on the bottom of a sandwich. Despite all that, I guess he really wasn't such a bad person. Before long I was working, in addition to my regular shifts and my job at TCC, two or three graveyard shifts cooking the bagels. Apparently, real bagels are boiled, but we cooked them in this slow revolving steam oven contraption.

Around this time I was working on two “screenplays” with two different friends. One of them was a completely absurdist, Charlie Kaufman kinda biopic about Faith No More / Mr. Bungle frontman Mike Patton. Basically my friend and I took all the frustrations of our daily life and put them into the life of someone who may be a rock star, so you had a lot of scenes of our hero saying things like, “ If I really am famous why does my car keep breaking down on the way to the laundromat?” The New York Times called it a “meditation on the nature of identity and the desire for fame” - we called it where we were at. There was going to be this musical number where Mike Patton is turning around inside the spinning oven, suspended upside down and singing some of his creepy Fantomas stuff. If this sounds ludicrous the other screenplay was about conquistadors wandering a modern day Florida. That one had potential too.

Once the bagel boss posted this article by the time cards – a ridiculous, patronizing story about a black man who smiled while he shined shoes for pennies – somehow this has something to do with Jesus and bagel making. We were told to sign this form that we had read the story, and I, of course, refused. That was one of three arguments I had with this jackass. I was finally learning to express my anger and I wanted to express the fuck out of it.

To be continued....